


Wolfzoned

by NorroenDyrd



Series: Like Water [4]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Attempt at Humor, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Irony, Jealous Solas, Love Triangles, Not Serious, Out of Character, Parody, SolAss, Some Humor, Surprise Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 16:01:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9910364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorroenDyrd/pseuds/NorroenDyrd
Summary: Solas has decided to honour Lavellan by nominating her as his vhenan. But what's this - there is a boorish human following her around, clearly with nefarious plans! She must be rescued, and as heroically as possible!





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a parody of fan fiction where the 'undesired' love interest (usually Blackwall) is portrayed in a negative light and is even presented as a rapist that Solas/Cullen rescues poor helpless Lavellan from. This does not by any means imply that I hate Solas, his romance, or his fans. I just don't really approve of scenarios when another one of my favourite love interests, Blackwall, is a cast as a villain just so that Solas/Cullen can be a shining knight guarding Lavellan's virtue.

Generally, Solas, the Dread Wolf, disapproved of the puny mortals that had popped up like daisies while he slept, making his world crowded and not at all like he remembered - and thus, wrong. But Lavellan was an exception. She was not like other mortals. She used a lot of utterances with questioning intonation - Solas' absolute favourite - and she observed him attentively when he showed her the Fade... And incidentally, the muscles that she had strengthened while trekking through the wilds and training to use her bow were also very appealing to look at. She was worthy of being approved of. In fact, Solas also decided she was worthy of becoming his vhenan. Theirs would be a fascinating story, that of true love and sacrifice in the name of duty; it would be lauded in poetry and illustrated in artwork (which, of course, had to properly compliment Solas' jawline and shapely thighs; especially his shapely thighs... Oh, and the dimple on his chin! Can't forget that).  
  
Except that there was a problem. Lavellan did not seem to be fully aware of the fact that Solas had chosen her as his tragic soulmate. She was grateful when he explained things that she, due to the hapless (but, as he now deemed it, forgivable) fate of being a mortal, did not understand - but not grateful to the extent of becoming fascinated by his wisdom. She aided him in battle, and quite skillfully, too - but never once had she made an attempt to seduce him while he was dressing her wounds. And even when he said to her, very meaningfully, that he had felt the whole world change, and assumed a dramatic pose, making sure that the rays of the sun in the ghostly likeness of Haven outlined his profile with as much contrast as possible - she failed to take the hint and initiate what he had already planned out in his head as an exceedingly passionate kiss. This was most bizarre - but Solas believed he had found an explanation for Lavellan's baffling behaviour. Since no woman in her right mind would refuse the prospect of a romance with him of her own volition, there had to be some hindrance. Something that prevented his vhenan from swooning into his godly arms, eyes half-closed and mouth searching for a kiss, while specks of light floated upon them from above and the air filled with the scent of roses. Something - or someone.  
  
Ever since the Inquisition recruited him on the shore of Lake Luthias, Lavellan had been showing exceptional interest in Warden Blackwall. This was far from something Solas could approve of.  
  
The man was big and hairy; his beard seemed to reflect the natural light on sunny day - and unlike Solas' majestic countenance, which had remained the same throughout thousands of years, his face actually showed signs of age. Which a youthful maiden like Lavellan was sure to find hideous, or unappealing at the very least. Granted, the Warden seemed to have some sort of dark past he was reluctant to talk about - which was quite a potent ingredient of a memorable love story; but Solas was more than certain that none of the shadows that haunted Blackwall would be as enticing to Lavellan as the embrace of the Dread Wolf. So the reason why the bearded woodsman would follow her around would be with an ulterior motive of doing something unspeakable - to force his wool-covered self upon her in the vilest manner possible. Well, too bad for him that his filthy plans were going to get thwarted by a heroic rescue, which would finally open Lavellan's eyes and prompt her  to share a moving moment with the one who had saved her from the human savage... Her true vhenan.  
  
Thus, for days and nights on end, Solas kept constantly vigilant, tracking all the suspicious activities that Blackwall might engage in. Like raising his shield to deflect enemy arrows that were aimed at Lavellan. Or racing to her side to revive her when she lost consciousness in the middle of a heated battle. Or claiming to admire her skills as a fighter and a leader - or (the most alarming sign!) blushing and chuckling when she complimented him back.  
  
And finally, there came a moment, one evening in the courtyard of Skyhold keep, when during his patrol around the stable where Blackwall... resided (by the way, what could be more  convincing proof of his base instincts and intentions?), Solas heard Lavellan's voice, crying out loudly,  
  
'No, wait! You are grinding too hard!'  
  
So that was it. The crucial moment had come at last. Lavellan was weak and vulnerable and terrified, at the mercy of a monster - and it was up to him to save her from the beast's clutches. The noble wolf would make a powerful pounce, sinking his teeth into the mangy fur of a drooling, feral-eyed bear, allowing the tremulous halla to slip from underneath its heavy, clawed paws. But first, he had to wait for around half a minute, so that the setting sun would assume the right position, and its bright rays would come flooding in, making Solas' silhouette stand out in a perfect shade of inky black against the bright burst of colour.  
  
When the rays' angle changed in the desired fashion, Solas squared his shoulders and took a bold stride forward, stretching his arm heroically in front of himself. He was certain that he was looking very handsome.  
  
'Let her go!' he commanded, channeling as much anger through his voice as befitted the scene.  
  
The stables seemed quite murky after stepping inside out of the brightly lit courtyard - but Solas could clearly picture the bear and his victim in his mind, one startled and horror-struck by his arrival, the other profoundly relieved. That is, until his eyes got accustomed to the poor lighting, and he managed to make out that...  
  
That Lavellan and Blackwall were sitting by each other's side on broad tree stumps in front of a long, low working table, which was littered with bundles of healing herbs and curling wood shavings.  
  
'What are you on about, Solas?' Lavellan asked in a puzzled tone, turning to look at him with her eyebrows raised. 'The good Warden and I are making a batch of toys and healing potions for the children that got sick in the cold Frostbacks. Now it's his turn to help me with the ingredients... I must say, Blackwall, you wield a pestle as if it was a warhammer!'.  
  
'Guilty as charged, my lady!' Blackwall responded, sheepishly looking down at the bowlful of crushed leaves that he was holding.  
  
As they exchanged a friendly laugh, Solas withdrew, curling his lips. So now it was back to disapproving of everyone - Lavellan included.

**Author's Note:**

> Including this into the Like Water series, because, even though the water imagery is absent, the Lavellan featured here is the same.


End file.
